Mental Health & Make Up

Welcome to your 30’s … time to procreate!

August 21, 2019August 21, 2019 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

After a gruelling 3-month period of nonstop uni exams I decided to celebrate my final exam by popping open a bottle of prosecco and toasting to the end of Netflix deprivation; caffeine addiction; and a constant gnawing feeling that when I’m taking a break or relaxing, I should be studying.

I intend my summer break to consist of cocktail bars, holidays, lie in’s and basically doing whatever my heart desires (within reason of course). I’m aware this is somewhat of a privilege now considering the fact that a significant amount of my friends have now settled down and had kids, so it’s not so easy for them to drop everything and go out like they used to. I’ve been in denial about the fact my pool of ‘going out friends’ is shrinking; whereas my social media page is booming with pictures of babies.

Now I’m in my 30’s I feel much more content and comfortable in my own skin; compared to the awkwardness of my teens and twenties which consisted of ‘doing what everyone else was doing’ and not understanding why I felt so lost and unfulfilled. So now I’ve reached this peak of contentment in my life do I really have to let it all go and exchange Daiquiri’s for dirty nappies?

adorable baby blur chair — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Up until the age of 29 I was convinced I didn’t want children. Not because I didn’t like them it’s because I’ve always preferred returning the kids back to their parents when they became too much and then going along my merry way. In all honesty, I’m not that much of a ‘kid person’, I’m more likely to start cooing over a super cute kitten or puppy than a baby (yes, I know I’ll probably ‘feel different when it’s my own’ I’ve heard it all before).

orange tabby cat near window — Photo by Wojciech Kumpicki on Pexels.com

I have friends who decided to have children and friends who decided not to. I’ve heard from both sides of the argument and my conclusion is that the ‘grass is always greener on the other side’. My childless friends fantasise about being a mother and having a child of their own; and my friends who are mothers reminisce about the days they had more freedom and it took less than 5 minutes to get out of the house.

I found a really interesting article last year written by renowned Rodial skincare CEO Maria Hatzistefanis, who proclaimed ‘To be a successful working Mum, I had to sacrifice my social life’. I remember reading this and feeling unsettled, mainly because it’s an imminent ‘sacrifice’ I don’t think I’m prepared to make just yet. At some points in my life I’ve isolated myself for long periods of time opting to stay at home and have a glass of red wine on a Friday night instead of socialising. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this, but after a while it becomes somewhat depressing… would I have to go back to this routine if I decide to become a mother?

So, if we do the math, does a successful career + an active social life = no children?! I enjoy having an active social life and I’m working hard towards my change of career goals; but I worry about how I’m going to be able to crowbar a child into my already hectic schedule?

three smiling woman — Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Does this holy grail of equilibrium really exist? Is it possible to juggle a social life, motherhood and a successful career without suffering from constant burn out in the pursuit of an idyllic lifestyle?

Despite the advancement’s women have made (especially in recent years) such as narrowing the gender pay gap between men and women, presenting headstrong campaigns such as #metoo etc… it’s troubling to think we are still very much a pronatalist nation that is intolerant to a woman’s decision not to have a child. Nothing too obvious or pushy; but like many insidious discriminations it festers in its subtilty and barb wired comments.

One of my friends in her late 40’s mentioned that whenever she is out on a date, it’s only a matter of time before the dreaded ‘How come you decided not to have kids?’ question rears its ugly head. Would you ever be able to give the answer ‘I didn’t feel like it’ or ‘because I didn’t want to’ without the raised eyebrow of the pronatalist prejudice that judge’s voluntary childlessness as horrendously taboo?

I think I want to be a mother? But I’m not sure if it’s ‘my’ wish or the mounting pressure to conform to my ‘duty as a woman’. This is not helped by Mother Nature and her ticking time bomb of a biological clock that puts the fear of God into some women. In some respects, she is definitively NOT a feminist. Men can breed until their 70’s and beyond, but for women, the reality is that we have a window of opportunity before we start the ‘menopause’ and it’s pretty much game over. Don’t want children? Here’s a menstrual cycle to deal with every month anyway. Want children? Better start swiping right on tinder.

pregnant woman wearing marled gray sweater touching her stomach — Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

What about the women who simply don’t want children? It seems that women who do not have children are split into two categories. Firstly, are the women who have tried for years to conceive but with no joy. An extreme example of this is the play ‘Yerma’ where the main female lead (Billie Piper) becomes obsessed and desperate to become a mother that she commits a crime so horrific that it challenges societies core beliefs about the fairer sex and the total depravity women are prepared to go to in order to have a child.

Secondly, are the women who purposely choose not to have children and are stereotyped as the ‘Devil wears Prada’ types. Generally, goal-oriented women who are successful in male dominated businesses and unapologetically choose to live their life on their own terms. Society sympathies with the former because ‘at least she tried’, and demonises the latter for being ‘selfish’ and ‘hedonistic’. Surely, it’s a woman’s prerogative to have a child…right?

woman using space gray iphone x — Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

This is not equality; would a man be subjected to the same passive aggressive attitude or pity if he decided he did not want children and wanted to concentrate on his career? Maybe slightly, but nothing like a woman would have to endure.

Nowadays, women are choosing to have children later in life; but unfortunately, even this decision is vulnerable to societal scrutiny. For example, the media criticised celebrities such as Meghan Markle, Geri Halliwell and Christine Lampard for having children in their late 30’s/early 40’s as if it’s some kind of defiant act against social norms. But if you can enjoy your life, achieve your goals and have a baby later on then why not? Surely, it’s the best of both worlds?

In certain countries, cultures, and time periods (i.e. my grandparents) it is/was expected that women have children young. It’s a template for ‘how to live your life’ that not everyone (especially not in a modern individualistic culture) choses to abide by, and nor should they. Not everyone has a great support system or the financial stability to bring a child into this world. In some countries such as South Africa it is relatively inexpensive to hire an army of nannies to look after your child, but here in the UK it’s considered a rarity. Some of the strongest women I know are able to work whilst bringing up a child single handily; this takes an insurmountable amount of strength and determination and in all honesty, I don’t know how they do it.

One nation that caused an uproar earlier this year is Alabama; when they introduced an anti-abortion law that cited ‘the law would permit abortions only if the mother’s life is at risk or if the foetus cannot survive, but not in cases of rape or incest’. So, by this ‘logic’ if you were forcibly impregnated against your will, you have no choice but to bear the baby of your attacker whether you like it or not. This seems like a massive injustice of human rights, to say that a woman does not, by law, have a say in what happens to her body?

Women have experienced years of suppression and discrimination in many forms whether it means not being able to vote, having to ask for her husband’s permission before making a decision, being paid less than a man whilst doing the exact same job, being subjected to sexual harassment and then being accused of instigating it. All this is now being challenged; so why is society’s opinion about women choosing not to have children still stuck in the dark ages? Is the world really that desperate for more people when the current population count in 2019 is just over 7,714,576,923 … this seems vastly overcrowded don’t you think?

I believe that everyone should have a right to choose to live their life as they see fit; we only have one and as long as we’re not hurting anyone, why shouldn’t we be happy? Have a career or don’t; have kids or don’t; go out partying every night or don’t; marry someone of the same sex or don’t. It takes bravery to live an authentic happy life; things like money, children or even success should complement your life not dictate your identity or self-worth. And we definitely shouldn’t be dictating how others should live their life, you may be happy in a successful career with financial stability and benefits, whereas someone else might be happy travelling the world and may not be so interested in climbing the co-operate ladder; we are all different, live and let live. If you find yourself dictating to other you may want to ask yourself why you care?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post.

Warmest Regards

What is the real price of fame?

April 23, 2019 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

It’s difficult to avoid the amount of Free Britney Hashtags that have bombarded my twitter feed as of late. It seemed Britney was taking action to look after her own well being by checking into a mental health facility in the midst of her Fathers illness. Though, if the internet is to be believed this is not quite the full story.

As we know she has been under her Father’s conservatorship for the last ten years. A legal concept that is normally reserved for those individuals who unable to care of themselves mentally/physically and financially. For example, people who suffer from Alzheimers, severe learning disabilities etc…

In an age where the stigma surrounding mental health has been challenged (although we still have a way to go) celebrities are now able to speak about the struggles they face without being silenced by the people around them wanting to preserve their brand and image for financial gain.

And I believe what is going on with Britney is not ok.

The fantasy of fame is something a lot of young people aspire to achieve — admittedly I’ve been guilty of this in the past. The celebrity lifestyle, admiration, millions in the bank, a career that is the envy of millions is all very enticing… how could anyone not be happy with all this?

Quite easily actually….

We as the general public only see a fraction of what these glorified people go through on a daily basis. What we don’t see is the complete lack of privacy, human flaws publicised worldwide and judged, addiction, mental illness, constant pressure, lack of freedom, isolation, stalkers, untrustworthy friends and family, being used, pushed by people who make money off you and of course remaining relevant.

And this is all without mentioning the sexual predation behaviour that has intoxicated these kind of industries for years. Thankfully because of the Me To movement these kind of behaviours are no longer tolerated. Celebrities (both men and women) have been legally silenced and prevented from exposing the dark side of fame for far too long.

And that’s if you do achieve success.

There are millions of hopeful starlets grinding everyday for a shot at the big time. The sacrifices, constant rejections, financial struggles, loss of hope, disappointment, instability, broken promises and so on. This is not to be ‘negative’ but to give a more balanced view of what the actual reality. My aim is to give insight into a fantasy Hollywood is selling and a lot of people are buying.

Celebrities are often shamed for voicing their struggles from people who think they have everything. If money and success were the key to peace and happiness we wouldn’t see so many meltdowns and deaths (especially suicide) from people in the public eye.

The media also doesn’t help! They appear to be the gatekeepers to the ‘true’ information and we are merely told what to believe without question — and we do. They create excite around stars and we become obsessed; then ultimately they drag them down. We’ve seen how the paparazzi have hounded and harassed celebrities including Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe and of course Princess Diana, just to name a few, in such an inhumane way.

Even though as a society we are becoming more understanding towards people’s struggles it seems the craving for success still dominates — especially in the bigger cities. It’s not about what qualities you possess as a person; it’s about your financial power and career status.

I’ve noticed the idea of fame seems to appeal to those of us with more of a vulnerable soul (not by any means all). Often those of us who were not treated with the love and nurture it takes to create a healthy human being can probably understand how world wide adoration appears extremely attractive.

In contrast, what we have right now is what some iconic celebrities would love to have. They frequently pine for freedom, normality, stability and anonymity, which we take for granted. They may seem like basic privileges when you compare it to global stardom and millions in the bank but they are some of the most important of human needs. We all know that story of when Michael Jackson hired actors to ignore him in a supermarket setting just so he could experience what it feel like to be ‘normal’.

It is so easy to get swept up into the fantasy spell that has been cast upon us from an early age but one important point to emphasise is that even celebrities themselves have admitted what we see if not really them — it’s a strategically construct image that appeals to the masses. I remembered Cindy Crawford revealing how she wished she looked like how she did in the magazines, and that’s Cindy Crawford! Now Social media allows us ‘normies’ to experience that celebrity lifestyle; again only allowing people to see the ‘perfect’ version of ourselves — it’s not real life.

It is also possible that if you cannot find contentment with how your life as it is right now; then even if you attained fame it is more than likely you will not be happy with that life either after the novelty wears off — normally with this kind of thinking more is never enough.

Not that I’m a big fan of the show but it seems ‘Love Island’ has come under fire recently from the two contestants who completed suicide. An intense burst of fame is more likely to to crash when reality seeps through. Often big celebrities are managed, and I guess in some ways protected, but reality stars are often a ‘normie’ one day and thrust into the clutches of fame the next, without getting to select what parts they want and what parts they don’t. It’s a LOT to handle!

So we have established now success does not equal happiness so why may there be a slight niggling that says ‘it might’. As there are many people who seem fine and are able to reap the rewards of stay somewhat sane.

I believe there’s nothing wrong with having strong desires for success; I feel it’s great to pursue dreams, express yourself, push yourself and use your full potential. It only becomes a problem when your self worth becomes attached to the process.

Even my brief affair with the industry opened my eyes to some things I didn’t want to see. It asked a price from me I simply could not afford.

Whats wrong with a normal average life? Those of us who enjoy a ordinary lifestyle with enough money to only afford the necessaries with the occasional splurge?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Things like success, money, status, beauty are all fleeting. Sure, it’s great to have these things in our life but they should only compliment our life; not be the sole purpose of our existence — because what happens if you lose it? What do you have? And if you are looking for the external to validate your self worth then you will always be searching because nothing will ever be enough.

We are all experiencing this human experience called life; we are all on the same level with similar needs including love, support, understanding. True some of us are born with extreme talent or beauty, or born into a financially wealthy family with better opportunities but what does it matter? We all have a limited time on this earth, we all age, we all die, we only really have ourselves to face this life with.

What is the point in having all this fame and success when you still feel a void? Because as we’ve seen, from example, a career won’t fill that gap. Then you feel sad because you’re at the top of your game and still feel bad. And then on top of that you feel guilty because you ‘have everything’ but the feeling won’t leave. One of the main reasons people in the limelight develop addictions is because it’s an escape from reality, doesn’t;t sound like a ‘dream come true’ if you ask me (?) That and the fact that despite what they are going through emotionally/physically they are forced to be a performing monkey and bring in the sales. You become less of a person and more of a money making machine who is only worthwhile whilst you are bringing in the top dollar!

And all we see is a perfect veneer with the occasional crack to exposes what really goes on behind the scenes to push people to breaking point (?)

I wonder if people like Marilyn Monroe or Elvis had not pursued the careers they did that led to their untimely demise … would they still be around today?

Though saying this there are many people who live famous and/or successful lives and appear to be happy, content and prospering. I guess other elements contribute like a support team, getting into the business a bit later in life, not letting it define you (?) etc…

This article is in no way meant to discourage people from pursuing their passion. Just to give insight into a industry that proclaims to be something it isn’t. The reality is behind that one superstar you idolise is a lot of sacrifice, hard work, seediness and millions of people who face disappointment for not achieving that level of status.

I hope you enjoyed reading this article, as previously mentioned it was not meant to spread negativity. Just to contribute towards a more balanced view.

It is important to have dreams and work hard but to also recognise when it eats up too much of your life and self worth; unfortunately fame may ask you to sacrifice these things in order to achieve greatness. How much do you really want it?

I will get back to posting regularly just settling down into Uni life which consists of a LOT of reading and a shock to the system!

Thank you for reading!

Warmest Regards

Diagnosing yourself with OCD needs to stop!

February 28, 2019February 28, 2019 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

Disclaimer: Some of the details I mention in this blog post maybe triggering or distressing to some readers. If you are sensitive to descriptions of violence please be mindful of that if you decide to carry on reading.

The charity MIND describes Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) as an anxiety disorder with two main parts: obsessions and compulsions.

Obsessions are unwelcome thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts that repeatedly appear in your mind. They can make you feel very anxious (although some people describe it as ‘mental discomfort’ rather than anxiety).
Compulsions are repetitive activities that you do to reduce the anxiety caused by the obsession. It could be something like repeatedly checking a door is locked, repeating a specific phrase in your head or checking how your body feels.

The latest DSM – 5 ‘The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Edition 5‘ (The book psychiatrists abide by when diagnosing patients) removed OCD from under the umbrella term Anxiety and gave it it’s own division because many ailments branch out from OCD including Trichotillomania (hair pulling); Skin Picking; Hypochondria; Body Dysmorphia and many more.

Some argue that eating disorders are a form of OCD. While others maintain that even though eating disorders may share common symptoms with OCD it should be classified as a separate illness. In my opinion, I’d say there is a definite overlap between eating disorders and OCD — especially OCD’s sister illness Body Dysmorphia.

RANT ALERT.

Over the years I feel the media — with it’s uniformed opinions of what OCD actually is — has made it ‘fashionable’ or ‘trendy’ to be diagnosed with this condition. Which in turn minimalizes the severity of what it means to suffer from OCD. We are living in an age where the internet has a massive influence on society’s perceptions and ideologies. With that in mind the media should be a bit more responsible about the information it distributes– but then again this is the media we’re talking about — anything for sensationalist story right?

The internet seems to be inundated with pseudo psychology; self diagnosis and Dr Google. People recognise certain symptoms and diagnose themselves with all sorts of severe illnesses including OCD.

Though, in all fairness, the media/internet has also done quite a lot to challenge the stigma surrounding mental health and providing education to help people understand how the brain can suffer from problems just like any other organ in the body. Nowadays, it is far less taboo to speak about mental health struggles and what help you may need. There are also some great campaigners out there fighting for mental illness to be taken seriously. So times are changing which is wonderful as it mean we are moving out of the ‘just snap of it’ era and being a bit more compassionate to our fellow human beings.

On the topic of stigma I can’t tell you the amount of time I’ve overheard conversations where people proclaim to be ‘so OCD’ and then describe symptoms that are more fitting to someone who is a ‘neat freak’ or just particular about things.

Granted tidiness and order can be a symptom of OCD but I would say it’s the severity of the thoughts and behaviour that defines it as an illness. The impact it has on your day to day life; some people are unable to leave the house because the illness is so debilitating.

Here is a breakdown of the differences:

Particular person: Feels a strong need to have her/his room in a regimented order and feels relief once they have organised the objects in a particular way. They can then carry on with their day.

OCD sufferer: A excruciating need for control. If an object is out of place the person feels extreme anxiety to the point the fight or flight adrenaline is activated. They fear something really dreadful may happen to someone they care about if this extreme order is not preserved. If they do not follow these rules perfectly their own mind attacks them and bullies them until they follow orders.

DXGg4xEWsAkwnEx.jpg.pagespeed.ce.DeJJJtyZ-w — Source: www.themighty.com

This is also true of celebrity OCD. To be able to function or maintain a ‘normal’ job whilst your brain is constantly bombarding you with life and death intrusive thoughts or doubts about every aspect of your life takes tremendous strength. So I struggle to understand how people are able to become hugely success whilst suffering from OCD (?) This does not come from a place of judgement but rather curiosity. They’re either extremely functional OCD sufferers or their OCD has somehow helped them achieve their goals (?) It’s a really awful thing when your mind feels like your worst enemy; I know MIND describes obsessions as ‘mental discomfort’ … but I’d describe them as absolute agony!

I mentioned before that OCD is now seen as a ‘fashionable’ or a ‘trendy’ illness to have which I think is beyond insulting to anyone who suffers from this disorder. It’s even gone one step further with companies using the OCD acronym to try and be cute in their marketing campaigns. There is a particular cosmetic company that really raises my hackles. And that company is Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics.

I find it grossly insensitive to use a mental illness to sell your makeup line?! Would it ever be ok to launch a product range called Bipolar makeup or Schizophrenia cosmetics!? I think not! But apparently it’s absolutely fine to do this with OCD?!

RANT OVER.

20190228_171732 — Source: Insatgram @ocdrecovery

I have recently started work with Robert Bray (above). His insight into the disease surpasses any ‘OCD professional’ I’ve worked with in the past. I think unless you’ve been through it you can’t really understand it — like most things I guess. Even the sufferers of OCD can’t understand how such irrational thoughts can cause such extreme anxiety over something that others may consider unimportant.

I remember a friend of mine — who shall remain unnamed for obvious reasons — and no it’s not me — had an intense fear of raisins. I had no idea how intense this phobia was until I put one on her chair in Design Technology class as a joke. As soon as she saw it she was unable to go near the chair and went into a trauma reaction. Yes, I felt guilty about it afterwards. The way she processed the idea of a raisin and what she associated it with caused her great distress. I guess you can develop an obsession or phobia about anything (?)

American Psychiatrist Jeffrey M Schwartz M.D refers to OCD as ‘Brain Lock’ and even used this for the title of his book. He compares OCD to one of those old gramophones that you play vinyl’s on. Once in a while the pin that gets stuck and you would hear that same section of the song play over and over again. Schwartz says this is what happens in the brain with OCD; the brain locks and plays that obsession or fear over and over again each time getting worse until the sufferer is petrified. The fear becomes disproportionate to the object or situation. I would this is the same way a phobia works — but don’t take my word for it I’m not an expert in that field, it’s just a theory.

It is quite common for OCD sufferers to have ‘whack a mole’ obsessions and compulsions. I’ve known people who start off with Harm OCD (a fear they would attack someone or might have killed someone) morph itself into Religious OCD (continuous intrusive ‘blasphemous’ thoughts about your faith and that you are evil), for example. One of the most painful aspects of OCD is you know what you are thinking and doing is irrational; but you can’t stop no matter how much you try — OCD has a gun to your head. And every time you give in to its ridiculous demands for a tiny bit of relief it gets stronger.

xScreen-Shot-2018-03-08-at-9.54.10-AM.png.pagespeed.ic.9Sl8vTS4kS — Source: www.themighty.com

OCD has full disclosure to your worst fears. For example, it is common for a new Mother to suffer with OCD. Their baby is the most precious thing in the world to them, which OCD knows. Therefore it will bombard the Mother with horrific intrusive thoughts of hurting the new baby. Because it’s the Mother’s worst fear she assumes just having these thoughts means shes a terrible person and a danger to her child. But thats not the case at all, it’s because she care so much about her baby and would never hurt it she has these obsessions (if that make sense?). OCD will always latch onto your worst fear to taunt you with. A person with OCD who is caring and likes people will fear they are a murderer because they really don’t want to hurt people and are disturbed by intrusive thoughts that one day they might kill someone. Most ACTUAL murderers will enjoy thoughts about hurting people and actually kill somebody without guilt… I hope the difference makes sense?

I would really recommend ‘Mad Girl’ by Bryony Gordon. It’s a really insightful journey of Bryony’s struggles with OCD. And one of the main fears she had as an OCD sufferer and new Mother was abusing her daughter. The book is really interesting and provides an honest and inspirational insight into the life of an OCD sufferer.

Whilst I’m on the subject another book I would recommend is ‘Pure’ by Rose Cartwright. I’m so pleased people have the bravery to reveal this illness because it’s been suffered in silence by so many people for such a long time. The fear is friends/family/therapists wont understand and will think they are dangerous or bad people. I had the same OCD theme as Rose and I can honestly say it was horrenduous. I was first diagnosed at 17 years old and I remember I was absolutely terrified to tell the doctors what was going on inside my mind incase I was locked away either in prison or a mental institute. Now I understand my faulty thoughts are considered relatively ‘normal’ within the OCD community. I’ve managed to avoid ‘exposure therapy’ for as long as I could, but I still suffer, so I know it’s the only way to truly get back in control of my mind and the best treatment for OCD.

You may have seen television programmes where people who suffer from contamination OCD are encouraged to touch toilets or ‘dirty’ things so they feel the maximum anxiety they can possibly feel (this is exposure therapy). The point of this is not for a sadistic thrill but to desensitise the patient to the thing they fear the most in order to loosen the grip OCD has on their life. It’s impossible for people to feel maximum anxiety all the time so eventually the fear plateau’s and their thoughts are brought back to reality.

Contamination OCD is one of the most recognised and publicised themes; but there are so many more versions of OCD that are yet to be recognised. Such as Trans OCD (a fear that you are in fact a transsexual); Relationship OCD (a fear that your partner is cheating on you no matter how committed or in love they are with you. Or a fear you may not ‘really’ be in love with your partner). OCD can merge itself with reality (or things other people worry about) and make you constantly over analyse and doubt to the point where you cannot decipher the line between rational and irrational beliefs. In France OCD is known as the Doubting Disease because you are constantly looking for reassurance which relieves you for about 5 minutes before another doubt triggers you. That’s why, for example, someone with Relationship OCD may ask their partner 100 times a day if they love them and no matter how many times they say ‘yes’ the illness will always distort the truth in order to steal you away from reality and keep you mentally imprisoned.

I once saw this really interesting Netflix documentary when I was in Los Angeles a few years ago; I believe it was called Obsessed but I’m not sure as annoyingly I’ve yet to find this documentary while I’ve been back in the UK.

It follows people who suffer with lesser known forms of OCD. Two of the patient cases really stayed with me. One of the women was told that her Father had been involved in a car crash so she immediately rushed to his aid. Unfortunately her Father passed away due to his injuries. She took home his bloodied shirt (I guess as some sort of memento?) and every night when her children would go to bed she would wear this shirt and obsessively try and figure out how this car accident occurred. Or another case where a woman had constant intrusive thoughts of animals in pain. When she was a child her abusive Father beat her dog in front of her causing significant emotional distress. She was hounded by intrusive images of hurt animals and found the thoughts intolerable (which most people would; but like I said it’s the emotional intensity and consistency of the thoughts that classifies it as an illness). Part of her exposure therapy was to carry around a picture of an abused dog which she had to keep looking at during the day. A lot of people with OCD use avoidance as a coping mechanism to stress but this also just makes it worse because it then the brain thinks ‘Jeez this thing really is dangerous!’. She was also taken to kennels where the dogs where going to be euthanised which was disturbing to see as a) I love animals and b) seeing someone in that much pain is upsetting. You may think this is re-traumatising the person; but unfortunately (I say unfortunately because this form of recovery is extremely painful and I’m sure most people wish there was another way) it seems to be the most effective way to treat OCD. I guess it has a ‘face your fears’ element to it — you take away OCD’s power over you.

Having this illness can make you feel very alone as no one seems to understand what you’re talking about and even you don’t understand. To some extent OCD does not respond well to logic; just like you could tell a person suffering with anorexia that they are not fat a million times a day and they would not believe you despite the fact they are desperately under weight. As humans we seem to go with what feels real rather than what we know to be real.

I hope you enjoyed reading my post about OCD. And if you feel you may be suffering from OCD please do see your doctor. Mental health issues are now much more accepted and understood than they used to be. You are not alone; most OCD sufferer’s feel people won’t understand because their thought’s are different or worse than anyone else’s but rest assure many people suffer with these thoughts no matter how ‘bad’ or ‘strange’ they are.

Make sure you find a therapy that works for you; the main one is ‘Exposure Therapy’ a form of ‘Cognitive Behavioural Therapy’. In my experience psychotherapy has little affect on OCD; it normally makes you try and figure out where it came from and can make it worse; and to be honest even if you do know it doesn’t really take away the irrational thinking and strong reaction.

The Maudsley Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma is one of the main treatment centre for treating chronic OCD which I would recommend.

There is also:

https://ocdaction.org.uk/

https://www.ocduk.org/

https://bddfoundation.org/

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

I would also really suggest following Robert Bray ‘OCD Recovery’ I find his quotes and therapy incredibly helpful and in a short time I’ve already improved so much.

Be brave OCD will try to convince you you’re the worse person alive or that people won’t understand … they will; don’t believe it’s lies.

Warmest Regards

I know addiction is a killer. But is it also a faulty survival mechanism?

December 13, 2018December 12, 2018 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

Disclaimer: I make no attempt to glamorise addiction or make light of the subject matter. It is a life threatening disease that claims the lives of many.

It is often said that it doesn’t matter too much what the addicts drug of choice is; whether it be food, drugs, sex, love etc… the problem lies in the addicts inability to tolerate reality. Addiction provides a temporary escape route for what seems to be a painful existence.

Research suggests a strong link between childhood trauma and addiction. One study suggests childhood trauma was ‘common’ within addicts. I wouldn’t want to proclaim a causation but it seems there’s definitely a correlation between trauma and people using ‘drugs’ as a ‘coping mechanism’. This particular study concentrated on Heroin addicts and how they used drugs to blot out ‘distressing thoughts and feelings’. Hammersley, et al., (2016).

I have often wondered if the afflicted person did not have these addictions to ‘rely’ on; is it possible that they might not have the ability to continue(?)

To understand addiction it is vital to understand how the brain works and why it would allow us to indulge in behaviours and addictions that are obviously harmful to us?

The everyday brain we are familiar with and we interact with all day every day is called the ‘new brain’. It dictates what you’re going to have for dinner, your diary management, deciding what to wear, problem solving and so on. There’s a level of consciousness because you are able to ‘some extent’ dictate what you think.

The old brain, however, is buried deep within the unconscious. Your old brain doesn’t care about what errands you have to run today, or what you’re going to be doing on the weekend. It’s main (and one could say only motive) is to keep you alive.

A good few centuries ago our main worries were things like …. has my family and I got enough food to eat? Is my life in danger? Is our shelter adequately protected? Obviously concerns like these are still valid today but instead of worrying about you and your family being killed by a saber tooth tiger you may fear losing your job or your house because it signals to your old brain there is a risk to your survival and possibly your families survival.

Note: Some call this ‘old brain’ the ‘reptilian brain’ as it goes back to the theory we started as reptiles. All mammals have a ‘reptilian brain’.

Triune Brain Theory — Differences in consciousness

As you can see the reptilian brain is located in the cerebellum (known as the second brain) and runs down the spinal cord and central nervous system. It’s why you make a split decisions when you feel as though you are in danger. This is also known as ‘black and white’ thinking / all or nothing type of thinking you see in people with high anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder, for example. If you were being chased by a saber tooth tiger you wouldn’t think…. ‘Well I could fight this predator but then I might die in the process. So maybe I will run into that cave. But there may be predators in there too so maybe it’s best if I fight this big cat with my spear’. By the time you’ve thought of all that; you’re dead.

It doesn’t have to be as extreme as a saber tooth tiger. Your nervous system will react to any perceived threat. The fear of your partner will cheat on you, or losing your wallet and becoming a victim of identity fraud etc… Your old brain doesn’t discriminate between danger; a threat is a threat. Which is why you see people with anxiety are quick to panic or jump to worst case scenario. Their nervous system is in a constant state of threat, so what may seem like a small issue is highly threatening to them. Being in a constant state of hyper vigilance is exhausting for nervous system which is why anxiety and depression often goes hand in hand. The exhaustion of the nervous system often results in a catalyst for depression.

Then why doesn’t the brain protect us from addiction seeing as its so deadly?

Trauma is known to rewire the brain (especially pre-developmental). So maybe the old brain views reality as the threat(?) Therefore it would make sense that addiction is a way to ‘ease the pain’ in order to survive.

You’re old brain is in control of your flight, fight and freeze reactions. American Science Journalist and Trauma Expert Seth Porges points out the injustice of the court system in regards to sexual assault trauma. Many women (and men) are doubted or antagonised for the way the reacted during the attack. The victim doesn’t always have a choice. With that amount of fear and adrenaline pumping around the body the old brain overrides the new brain, and more often than not, the reaction of the victim is to freeze and disassociate. This is a trauma reaction and is not within control of the victim.

You can learn more about it here.

So in short the old brain’s job is to protect you and keep you safe even if the methods don’t always make sense. You can sense when the old brain is threatened as adrenaline normally starts pumping through your blood stream and thoughts start racing. But as we know the brain doesn’t know the difference between being chased by a saber tooth tiger or bumping into your ex with his new girlfriend. Old brain only knows the language of threat.

What has this got to do with addiction?

Well as we’ve seen addiction and trauma are intrinsically linked. Maybe if this ‘freeze’ and dissociate element is a reaction to trauma; then maybe the denial of reality and indulgence of addiction is part of the ‘freeze/dissociation’ mechanism in the brain(?) Just a thought.

Even though addiction may destroy lives and even worse kill. Addiction wouldn’t be so powerful if it didn’t have some of survival pay off. It may have been imperative that the person suffering needed to escape reality in order to stay alive.

Fantasy is another form of addiction. This is common with abuse victims. They have an almost out of body experience and go into ‘another world’ so they don’t have to be present in the body that is being hurt. If this has been happening since childhood how are they supposed to know any other way to be?

I had a friend who appeared to have it all. Good looks, great job, great prospects but was heavily addicted to cocaine. He once explained when he became ‘sober’ he would go out with friends and not know what to do or how to behave. It seems this disease becomes so enmeshed with your sense of self its almost impossible to imagine yourself or your life without it.

Addiction is also the master of deception. It disguises itself as something else, which makes it so malevolent. The alcoholic is now the ‘wine connoisseur’. The love addicts inability to be on their own is just because Mr Right hasn’t turned up yet to save her from these disastrous relationships. The exercise addict is ‘super healthy’ despite the fact her periods have stopped or keeps exercising despite injuries just to get that ‘buzz’.

Maybe it could be described as a type of anaesthesia(?) Alcohol is often referred to as ‘self medication’ which supports the idea of escapism for the addict. There’s a fine line between when something is used to help you get through hard time and when it becomes a dependence or a life long crutch.

At this point I refer to one of my favourite stories.

A boy needed to cross a rapid river. The water is too wild for him to swim solo, so he strips a tree of it’s bark in order to utilise it as a boat to get across. He is successful.

The boy needs to now climb a mountain (don’t ask me why). He begins to climb with this self made boat attached to his back. The bark becomes a burden and slows him down with it’s weight making it impossible for the boy to climb the mountain.

As you can see this bark (coping mechanism) had been useful before; but now it’s become a hindrance.

I personally think that one of the reasons it is so difficult to give up an addiction is because A) its been a massive part of the persons life; like a friend who has stuck by you through thick and thin (albeit a toxic friend but a friend nevertheless). B) There is normally a fear of having to deal with the painful emotions and truths that the addiction puts a vanilla glaze over. C) There is more often than not a lack of healthy coping mechanisms within the addict and poor emotional regulation. It’s been theorised that trauma and addiction often stunts the persons emotional growth process. Therefore when the addict becomes clean they are often mentally a lot younger than other people their age. They have to learn to reparent themselves and grow into an adult. This takes tremendous strength, and often people who look down on addicts have no idea what the person has been through to turn out the way they have. The fact they are alive is often remarkable as addiction kills many.

Of course not everyone who experiences trauma in their life turns to addiction. But I’d say the majority experience some sort of dependence to alleviate pain.

I’d always considered addiction to be affiliated with just drugs and alcohol. I didn’t realise how addiction can bleed into pretty much all areas of your life.

I’ve heard from (mainly women) about being addicted to men, money and munchies. This is when I first started to worry as I know this trinity rang true to my ‘issues’ at the time.

I’ve just come out of the probably the two worst years of my life. And these ‘coping mechanisms aka addictions’ were in full force. When I felt one got better the others would get worse. It was like a really infuriating game of ‘whack a mole’!

Men = I’d become addicted to toxic relationships

Money = I was worried about money. So to make myself feel better I’d spend.

Munchies = I’d stuff myself full of food to the point I’d feel physically sick. Then punish myself with a grueling exercise regime to ‘compensate’ for the binge.

With drugs and alcohol you can stop by just putting it down. (Obviously with the support of a professional. I would not advocate doing this by yourself). But with the trinity addiction, you need all these things. You can’t just not eat.

I knew I had an obsessive personality but never considered myself to have an addictive one as well. I figured I gave up smoking; How could I be an addict?!

It’s only when I went through the withdrawal process I realised how much I was dependant on these things. It was horrendous, absolutely horrendous. How could I feel this bad for cleaning myself up from things people ‘use’ in everyday and didn’t have an issue with? I can’t imagine how awful it must be coming off heroin; going through mental and physical withdrawal at the same time.

If I were to describe withdrawal I’d say it was like having your safety blanket ripped off you and being exposed to all the things your desperately tried to run away from. When I ‘indulged’ in my addictions it wasn’t the same feeling as indulging in a bad habit. The behaviour and feeling came more from a life and death section of my brain (the fight or flight mechanism from the old brain). I knew what I was doing wasn’t helpful, but the comfort and momentary relief from uncomfortable feelings was too overwhelming to resist. I talk more about my food issues in Part 2: I want to lose weight but I don’t like exercise and love food too much. #Help!! 🍟🥨🍭

Hardy, et al., (2018) suggested female participants with food addictions had a higher emotional dysregulation scores, specifically with difficulties in goal directed behaviors, non-acceptance of emotional responses, impulse control, limited access to emotion regulation strategies, and lack of emotional clarity, when compared to individuals with no addiction.

I think people who don’t know about addiction assume its greediness or a lack of discipline. It’s not. I remember someone saying to me ‘why don’t you eat things that are healthy for your body, and stop when you’re full?’ If it was just about that it would be a lot easier to manage. Again it’s not about the drug of choice it’s about the way we rely on it to validate ourselves and/or alleviate pain. I could have easily become addicted to exercise or work (these seem like more socially acceptable addictions) but I didn’t. So maybe I shouldn’t refer to it as ‘a drug of choice’, maybe the addiction choses you. Why does one person become a workaholic and another becomes a heroin addict?

I guess if you have an addictive personality you have the potential to become addicted to anything(?) If it’s not about the individuality of the addiction but the behaviour to overindulge to escape reality that pinpoints where the problem lies.

I’ve seen people put ‘down’ an addiction and follow a spiritual path. Only they seem to use spirituality as a crutch again. Admittedly it’s better for them and everyone around them that they are addicted to spirituality as against alcohol, for example. Maybe some people are unable to do things in moderation; it really is all or nothing. It just becomes teeth grindingly annoying when some preach about how you should live your life the way they do no matter how compassionate I try and be.

But I guess we are all trying to bumble our way through this life; and none of us are living it ‘perfectly’. There is no ‘how to’ book on how to live your life (despite the amount of self help books that proclaim this). Addicts are trying to manage a brain that tells them life is dangerous. And they are so starved of compassion that a promise to ‘feel good’ even for just a second makes the danger and toxicity ‘worth it’.

Remember those Ipswich murders a few years back. Girls were risking their lives with clients who were potential murderers for that ‘fix’. It seems to go against everything the old brain stands for. But maybe the paradox of addiction is that the ‘fix’ is the lifeline; even if it means putting your own life in danger(?)

These are my own views I am in no way an addiction specialist. I have used journal citations to support my thoughts, but again this is just an opinion piece not intended to offend.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post. If you feel you may have an addiction problem please do seek help. You are not alone. There are many support groups out there that help with food, love, sex, gambling, work, drugs, alcohol, money etc… addictions. You don’t have to be at rock bottom to seek help. If it’s stopping you living the life you want, then it’s a problem.

I’ll be writing one most post this year then that’s it until next year as I travel to Asia for a month in 8 days which I’m so excited about! Will be back 18th of January and then it’s back to Uni and weekly blog posts.

Warmest Regards

Review: Makeup 54 Disco Topper in ‘Glitterball’. You won’t believe how this product came out!

November 13, 2018 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

Makeup 54 is finally here. After 4 years in the making the groovy 70’s inspired makeup brand has taken the beauty world by storm. First to be released was the ‘Disco Topper’ collection. It’s the perfect sized appetiser to leave us craving for more.

Makeup 54 Founder Anna Priadka always wanted to launch her own makeup line. She was heavily inspired by the colourful era of the 70’s where silver eyeshadow and bold pink blusher was all the rage. She was already an internationally successful Makeup Artist working for the famous beauty brand NARS. So to say makeup was a passion of hers would be an understatement.

I was lucky enough to collaborate with Anna when Makeup 54 was still in its infancy. As a model having my makeup done by someone else was a bit like Russian Roulette. Sometimes I loved it, but most of the time I wasn’t so keen because I’m a perfectionist and I have my own ‘way’ of doing my makeup. If you want to read more about my experiences as a model check out one of my latest blogs Why I gave up modelling 📸

I have to say (without sounding like too much of a cheerleader) when Anna did my makeup I was quite frankly gobsmacked. I’d already heard the rumour that she’s the ‘Queen of eyeliner’ and I was already a fan of her makeup artistry on Instagram. But my gosh! She exceeded my expectations and beyond! I desperately wanted to kidnap her and have her do my makeup everyday!

She spoke so passionately about her vision that you couldn’t help but get swept along in the excitement. Which is why I’m so happy and proud that her dream has now become a tangible reality.

As soon as the brand went live I showed my support by purchasing the sparkly rose gold DISCO TOPPER in the aptly named ‘Glitterball’.

When I hear the word ‘glitter’ I think of fallout, grit and eczema aggravation. But I wanted to try it despite my reservations and I also trust Anna.

My product arrived in a golden shiny envelope that made me feel a bit like Charlie when he received the golden ticket. I love presents even if they are bought by yours truly!

I was so excited I tried it on straight away. But …. it wasn’t a gloss? Pretty much everyone’s tried a matte lip velvet. But a matte lip velvet that was made up of glitter?

I’d never tried a product like that before so I was super intrigued! Anna explained that she created Glitterball to emulate a veil instead of a gloss. Which was music to my ears because as much as I love gloss; I do find the majority of the time I wear it I’m constantly unsticking my hair from my lips.

As for my gritty glitter phobia. The sparkle was refined and soft; I hardly felt it on my lips. I loved the glamorous, iridescent sheen that coated my lips. I wore it in the day time with a soft smoky eye. I got so many compliments on my makeup that day! Definitely a good day!

From the Makeup 54 website:

‘ROSE GOLD SPARKLE

The only accessory to be seen with on the dancefloor. Transform your lips before you hit the dancefloor and see the stars from the sky light up your lips with one swipe of this dazzling glitter topcoat. A special water infused gel texture, with moonstone extract gives a multidimensional, glittered effect when applied on lips. Once set it gives a long, locked in finish. Use with your favourite Makeup54 disco lipstick for the ultimate lip colour that is sure to get you seen.

Longwearing. Vegan. Fragrance free.

To remove, use an oil based cleanser’.

I loved this topper. You can wear it alone or over another colour to give your lips a luscious 3D sparkle! I would definitely recommend it to anyone!

Whilst writing this post I attended Stylist Live on the weekend and amongst the inspiring talks, fabulous beauty brand and LOTS of pink gin was ‘Makeup 54’. A cute little pop up stand buzzing with excitement. I waited my turn and checked out the other toppers. I was torn between GAYNOR and JERRY. I was feeling adventurous so I went with JERRY a statement blue red colour that complimented the rest of my natural makeup I wore that day.

I absolute love this signature bold red look. The texture is smooth, it’s non drying and stayed on all day despite my gin drinking! (Had to put it to the test!).

And of course I wanted to see what JERRY looked like under the GLITTERBALL veil. As you can see they compliment each other beautifully. I love this look; it’s perfect for all the Christmas parties coming up. And what better way to celebrate the holiday season than to have your lips shimmering away under the mistletoe!

A description of the colours by Makeup 54 :

Jerry – Classic Blue Red

Ross – Magenta Pink

Elvira – Peach Pink Nude

Gaynor – Caramel Nude

They are all exquisite! I love the use of 70’s inspired female names to describe the colours. Such a great touch!

Disco Toppers are a great gift idea for that special makeup lover in your life. *Hint Hint*.

Rating: 5/5

Warmest regards

Autumn Makeup.

October 26, 2018March 1, 2019 Samantha Engelbrecht3 Comments

Autumn or (Fall for my American readers) is my favourite time of the year.

The humid air leftover from the sizzling Summer turns crisp. The streets are littered with red and orange leaves crunching beneath your feet. Also Halloween and pumpkin spiced lattes!

Autumnal colours coincide so beautifully with the warm make up tonnes that has been in season for so long now. This is why I’m excited to combine my favourite season with my favourite makeup look… warm, smoky eyes!

As usual, I start with a clean base.

I will soon be doing a vlog/blog about my skincare regime so watch out for industry standard tips and tricks.

I then used the MAYBELLINE baby skin primer which is really soft to use and just glides on creating a stable base for the foundation.

My base of choice is NARS velvet matte tinted moisturiser in ALASKA. This is my everyday makeup uniform. I’ve been a loyal fan for years now and this colour matches my skin tone perfectly. Its lightweight formula produces great coverage which is great for a tinted moisturiser as sometimes they can look too sheer.

I then highlight and contour like I normally do. I will be doing a vlog/blog on how I do this so it gives a bit more detail.

Next is the fun part…. eyes!

I took inspiration from models and makeup artists as I wanted to stay away from the heavy Instagram/Youtube look. And keep it more subtle and fashion.

It’s so important to prep the skin. I didn’t use to and then wondered why my makeup would wear off during the day or go patchy.

I’ve been dying to use my new DIOR eyeshadow palette in DEVILISH. Look how gorgeous it is! I love it! Today I will be using the crimson, gold and brown colours; to of course replicate Autumnal leaves.

I start by using the LAURA MERCIER eye primer in FLAX. Then I dust some loose powder over the top for this look I used MAC translucent powder. This sets the makeup and makes it easier to blend the eyeshadow on top.

Using a flat makeup brush I take some crimson and gently pat down the colour onto my eyelid. Don’t blend at this point as we are just setting down the colour so it doesn’t have to be perfect at this point.

Once the intensity is to your liking glide the colour underneath the eye to give definition. This look was inspired by the amazingly talented Kate Jane Hughes (pic below I also used her work for the title page) you can check out her work here.

I love this look it’s so simple, but a bit more edgy than the classic taupe smokey eye. I also think it really compliments green/blue eyes.

Once the base is laid take a fluffy brush like this one (below) and start blending. I saw an Instagram post from Katie where she explains how to achieve a perfectly blended eyeshadow. Next step is to dip the brush into your translucent powder and then blend the eyeshadow even more. If you want a more intense colour simply dip the fluffy brush into the original colour and blend some more to intensify. Keep dipping and blending between the two until you are happy.

Next, take a small eyeshadow brush (I just used the sponge that the palette came with) and dip it into the gold colour. Dab the gold on the inner corner of the eye, you can even blend the gold into the crimson colour to give a beautiful sunset effect.

I then used a bit of the dark brown colour on the outside corner of the eye to give shading and dimension. You only need to take this colour a quarter of the way across the eye because we don’t want it to darken the crimson colour.

I then used a MAC beige kohl eyeliner in RISQUE on the lower waterline to make the eye appear bigger. Or if you want a more intense look like Karlie Kloss you can use MAC black kohl eyeliner in CLAY in the waterline. You can use this on the upper and lower lash line for a defined effect.

I remember Kevyn Aucoin’s advice on how to get grungy eyeliner look. Line both waterlines with black kohl and then blink/squint your eyes as much as you can until you create a black smudgy definition around the eyes. You can always go in with a cotton Q Tip and tidy it up if it gets too wild.

I then curled my lashes using my SHU UMERA eyelashes curlers. BENEFITS bad gal bang mascara is my new favourite cult favourite. I love it! I don’t normally like rubber wands but this product really lengthens and curls my lashes without even really needing to curl them. For this look, I coated both my upper and lower lashes.

I pencil in my Eyebrows the way I normally do.

In the photograph, I used BARRY M lipstick in MANNEQUIN. It’s a glossy darker nude that volumises the lips leaving them looking plush and juicy. I really love nude lipsticks; check out my high street favourites Top 5 Drug Store Nude Lipsticks.

Couple this look with a long camel coat and there you go the perfect Autumnal look ready for the pages of Vogue.

Hope you enjoyed this seasonal look. Sorry I was late this week! Started University so my time management has gone a bit out the window. But I will be back every Thursday so if would like to see more posts like this don’t forget to subscribe.

Warmest regards

Why I gave up modelling 📸

October 17, 2018 Samantha EngelbrechtLeave a comment

Firstly I’d like to apologise about not posting in two weeks I’ve just started Uni and have found the workload a bit of a shock to the system but I’m finally getting there.

I’ve procrastinated about writing it but I feel like I should because I learnt so much from the experiences being a model gave me.

Sometimes I still look at my friends Instagram photos and reminisce with rose tinted glasses about the glamorous lifestyle that modelling offered. But in reality, this is not an accurate representation.

It’s good for me to get my thoughts down as I feel its a good way to process and finally say goodbye to an industry I had such a love / hate relationship with.

Hope you enjoy!

I remember the night I decided I wanted to become a model. I would like to say I got this epiphany whilst flicking through the pages of Vogue looking at *insert 90’s supermodel’s name here* and thinking ‘I want to be her’. But the idea came after yet another blazing argument with my then boyfriend telling me that I didn’t even come close to the over made up models that cat walked down the ramp for this urban rap battle event. He wanted to be a rap star you see.

It was the insidious pang of a hurt ego that spurned me on to take my first steps into modelling. The irony will become apparent later.

Like a lot of girls I started by getting ripped off by some photography scam paying a good few hundred pounds (out of my student loan) for a ‘professional’ makeup artist and photographer. I hated how they did my makeup, my hair and even what they had me wear. But I guess there was a part of me that loved the attention and the fact I was going to ‘show’ my boyfriend I was better than what he said I was.

After the shoot, I was given a list of model agencies to approach. I was relentlessly rejected by pretty much all of them albeit a few who told me if I lost weight I would be in with a chance. I feel sorry for my younger self as I had no idea what I was doing and was terribly insecure; in hindsight it was like watching a lamb being sent to the slaughter.

Thankfully I continued to study and finish my degree. It’s when I finished and no longer had a routine to keep me balanced the trouble began. Obviously, I wasn’t going to go straight into full time modelling so I needed a job that also offered flexibility. Get ready for years of standing in heels and spraying perfume for hours on end.

At this time my self esteem was starting to deteriorate. I dyed my hair black and started putting on weight from comfort eating. I was also dealing with very difficult family issues and a horrible relationship so all in all this it was a very dark period in my life.

In a way the fantasy of a glamorous lifestyle kept me going all of life’s turmoil. All I wanted was that one photo on a cover of a magazine for my, now ex, to see and that’s it I could quit. I was shooting for amateur photographers and was grateful for the £50 I’d get for hours of work. I thank God I never got hurt or did anything I was THAT uncomfortable with. Mostly it was a case of sacrificing my time for promised exposure that never really came to anything. I found this extremely frustrating but I thought this is how it was.

I was still trying to join a modelling agency so despite everything that was going on my ambition was never fully squelched. I would like to add that this was the time social media was also really taking off so that helped me to network.

I had a few hopeful meetings with some smaller agencies. My portfolio was a complete mess. I had no idea about marketing myself and even less of an idea about fashion. I thought agencies would see through all this if they believed in you, but now I know you have to have the perfect portfolio to approach agencies with in the first place, it’s your CV. This seems obvious now, but it wasn’t back then, I’d been given so much wrong advice by so many different people.

My weight was ALWAYS an issue, no matter what size I was.

It was another day at work spraying perfume when I overheard one of the girls talking about slimming pills. This intrigued me, as I couldn’t lose weight on my own so maybe this was the answer?

The girl (who shall remain nameless) told me where I can get these slimming pills and I managed to get my hands on a batch. They really shouldn’t have given them to me, but in the long run, they might have been helpful because they gave me the energy I needed to kickstart my life.

So now I know these pills were actually a low form of speed. Which is why I had more energy and less appetite. I lost weight quickly, worked on my tan and turned my jet black hair to honey blonde.

My ex-hated my new look and told me I looked anorexic. He was probably right, but I didn’t care for his opinion anymore. I had many more people telling me I looked great, even though deep down I still didn’t feel great about myself.

I got some new photos …. again. I remember someone saying to me ‘when is this mysterious portfolio ever going to be finished?’ Never, is the answer to that. There was always something ‘wrong’ with it. I even started paying for more professional photographs but then by then, I was starting to put on weight. I’d get the odd few awesome shots, but it was really hit and miss. I really didn’t have the confidence to really be ‘seen’, I desperately wanted to which is why I wanted to have a career in front of the camera, but as soon as I got there I felt like I was cringing deep inside.

I only really felt excited by it when I was getting ready and being pampered. This was tainted with a niggling worry I was too overweight or looked ugly in the pictures. I remember when a shoot was cancelled because I didn’t fit the clothes properly. I know its obviously important the model fits the clothes but I remember I was 18 y/o and mortified!

So with my photos, I managed to get into a few smaller agencies. This didn’t fill me with confidence as in my head if I wasn’t at the top it wasn’t worth doing. Completely the wrong way of looking at it but isn’t hindsight a wonderful thing?

My new body was hard to maintain; the clinic wouldn’t give me anymore skimming pills. So I had to do it on my own. It was mid Summer and really hot but I was always really cold with numb fingers. But I was getting more and more compliments about the weight I’d lost so it was easy to become addicted. The doctor told me I was under weight for my height but the modelling agencies told me I still had to get down to a 25 inch waist. I was 5 ft 9 with a 26 in waist. My hips couldn’t slim anymore because all that was left was bone.

It was a really shallow, fake life I was living. I couldn’t be anymore further away from my authentic self. I started going to London’s most exclusive clubs with model friends whilst trying to make a living and going to what felt like an endless amount of castings only to be selected for a handful of jobs.

Something must have worked because all of a sudden people were taking notice. I was accepted into a decent model agency I’d been pursing for ages (in fact they’d previously turned me down three times).

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It felt great because being signed was the equivalent of feeling validated as a ‘professional model’ and I wasn’t doing it all on my own. The quality of my photographs got better and I finally felt like things were taking off. I had a good few model friends I liked and would go out with. But the majority of people I’d hang out with I didn’t really know … I called them the ‘night people’. The type who would party with celebrities but had no real career of their own. It was weird seeing pictures of yourself in campaigns randomly around town. It was a weird contrast of excitement and feeling quite empty.

People would refer to me as a model and I felt myself cringe as I didn’t identify as one. This all started as a way to get back at an ex boyfriend and to prove something to people, but this new career choice was taking over.

My brain went to mush as I wasn’t really using it anymore. No matter how ‘pretty’ I felt at a casting or a shoot it wouldn’t be too long before I would compare myself to another model who I deemed ‘better than me’. I would scrutinise my photographs within an inch of their life, and was helped by others in the industry to rip myself apart.

I’d see other models getting who I thought were quite average looking getting the jobs I wanted and started to become bitter and resentful. The irony here was that I was already sabotaging my work but at the same time getting angry at others for what I considered ‘stealing’ jobs off me.

My self esteem was constantly in flux, people flattering me whilst others ignored me. Having my body measured in front of a room full of people I also found really embarrassing, especially if I’d put on weight.

Saying this I was enjoying the perks of the lifestyle, I didn’t have to ‘work’ that hard to make nice money. I’d get treated really well on (most) shoots, food was paid for, hotels were paid for, travel was paid for. I was being looked after at the same time.

I had attention from celebrities and was invited to exclusive places. Shot with renowned photographers and was really starting to make my ‘dreams’ a reality. My old friends and people I went to school with (and my ex) took notice, finally I was showing them … wasn’t I?

I didn’t feel like I connected with the majority of the other models, and the guys I was seeing made me feel like a Barbie doll. I felt like they didn’t see me as a real person.

I started to binge eat to fill that emptiness… the agencies were quick to notice. I no longer had the energy to attend meat market castings, I got dropped by a few agencies, I just didn’t have the energy to keep up. The more I was guilt tripped about not losing weight the more I’d binge eat and skip castings, being labelled as unprofessional as one of two clients ‘really’ wanted to see me. So it was text book self sabotage.

Looking back I really wish I’d given up the profession a long time ago. One friend who I really respect is Charli Howard. We’d often have a moan about the industry, which confused me as I though Charli was one of the beautiful girls I’d ever seen, so how was she struggling? She took the control back and when she was dumped by her agency she decided to model on her own terms and be an ambassador for female body confidence.

A lesson I’ve learnt in life is if you are going to do something, make sure it’s something you want to give your all to. And make sure your doing it for yourself not to prove something to other people.

Looking back I definitely got into modelling for the wrong reasons, when you’re young it’s easy to get swept up in the glamour and promises. Now I’m a lot more curvier and happier. I’m studying a Masters in Psychology and enjoying my writing. I still love doing makeup and taking photos but it’s more for fun then as a job.

I’ve given up the nights in Mahiki for city breaks around Europe which makes me genuinely happy. If the party lifestyle makes you happy I’d say 100% go for it . I know a lot of models who love doing what they do and are able to give it their all. But it wasn’t for me. And I’ve now realised it doesn’t make me any less than, or ugly or not good enough. At least I gave it a go, and at times I would have liked to have wanted it more to see where it could have gone. I’m happy that when I’m 80 y/o I can show my Grandchildren what their Nan used to do for work.

For now, I’m much more interested in getting to know the real me, and what she wants out of life.

Hope you enjoyed this post! If you would like to see more post’s like this I will be posting ever Thursday. Don’t forget to subscribe to get the latest news and blog posts.

Warmest Regards